6th of October 2012,
1 : 15 PM
Diary #3
I was in deep sadness. I can't control my tears flowing down to my cheeks. I have no place to go. No place.
I wanted to end my sorrow. Right now! I am so depressed that I keep on blaming myself for every single mistakes happens. I wanted to end it. I want to just die! I don't know what to do.
I cut myself. Next is a long silence... A very long one. I can't hear anything but the beat of heart slowly turning down. Slowly. Muting. Fading.
And I heard something. I heard a voice. Its not clear but I can hear it. An angelic and modest voice. One that manifests goodness and purity. A voice whom I seek for ages.
Then, slowly, the sound of my surroundings is coming back to me. Like a signal. Going back to normalcy.
Husky voices, Sniffs, Scratching sound of table trying to put into a new place, sound of the birds, singing. My heart beat is in normal now. I was concious.
I found myself lying on the floor, I was holding a sharp blade on my right arm. I saw a blood. My pulse on my left arm is covered with blood. Frightened as I pick up the towel in the hamper beside me. I rub off the blood and covered it. Good thing I wasn't panicking of seeing those blood almost covering my left hand.
What the hell did I do? What did I just do?
Query in my head. I get up and sit to a lumpy striped mattress. I tried to think and restore my thoughts. I just cant remember a thing. I pick up my iPod and played "Asleep" by The smiths. I put the volume on max.
I need it! I have to relax. I have to.
In able to think. I close my eyes and think comprehensibly. I am breaking down to pieces. I am having a rough situation that I keep fantasizing that I will be a pale, cold dead body now. I am in deep depression.
Unexpectedly, the voice pop up in the back of my head. I can't seem to understand all the words. But I know its him. Really Is him.
It took me so long to be back to pieces... But, I managed to be alive.
Now, I am still dealing with depression every time I'm alone. I've undergo further treatment, and starting to feel okay... Good thing books, music and writing Is helping me to get over this...
I hope I'll be better soon....
Love always,
Aubrey
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